3. RULES FOR NONCONFRONTATIONAL DIALOGUE

Below is a set of nonconfrontational dialogue rules. They are similar to those rules espoused in marriage counseling sessions to deescalate potentially confrontational dialogue between spouses. Here, we have modified the rules to deescalate a potentially confrontational dialogue with a fellow Christian on "hot button" topics. More discussion of these rules is in the Syllabus.

• Rule 1: It Is Not about Winning. Set your expectations at the beginning of the dialogue that it is not about winning.

• Rule 2: Engage in Active Listening. Use an expression like "I understand that you believe _________" to communicate to the other side that you have been attentive to and understand what they are saying about their beliefs and values.
• Rule 3: Use "I" Messages. Respond by using an expression like "I feel (or believe) that ____________," which is a nonaccusatory and nonjudgmental way to express your beliefs and values.

• Rule 4: Listen for Underlying Primal Concerns. Try to understand the other side's primal concerns that perhaps lie beneath the camouflage of rhetoric (e.g., simply citing a Biblical passage as authority, when fear of foreigners is an underlying primal concern). If we can understand the other side's primal concern, we may be able to deal with it and make more progress in the dialogue.

• Rule 5: Establish Common Moral Values. Try to establish a common set of moral values based on Jesus' teachings (e.g., Golden Rule, justice, righteousness, compassion, sharing abundance, mercy, reconciliation, forgiveness, tolerance, accepting the outsider, peacemaking, and stewardship) and then pursue the discussion from this common set of moral values.

• Rule 6: Pose Thoughtful Questions. Pose thoughtful questions that flow naturally from the common set of moral values, which may cause the other side to reflect and rethink his/her position. We emphasize thoughtful questions, as opposed to assertions, because they tend to elicit a less defensive response. Thoughtful questions are the agency of conversation and dialogue.

• Rule 7: Illuminate a Moral Dilemma. The key is to attempt to illuminate a moral dilemma, based on posing a countervailing set of moral values based on Jesus' teachings, exposing unconsidered facts, exploring unappreciated consequences, probing inconsistencies, and/or dealing with primal concerns.

• Rule 8: Seek Agreement on Sub-Issues: Although we may succeed in illuminating a moral dilemma, very likely that moral dilemma will not be resolved during this one encounter. Rather than pushing for resolution of the moral dilemma, it may be more appropriate to shift gears and try to come to some understanding and agreement on a set of sub-issues.

The above rules can make possible a nonconfrontational framework for dialogue that will leave everyone whole and perhaps cause a person on an opposing side to rethink his/her position, either during the dialogue or after reflection. These rules set the context for the Example Dialogue below.